WHAT DO YOU CALL THIS?

YESTERDAY WAS ESPECIALLY HOT FOR THIS TIME OF YEAR (EVEN THOUGH IT'S ARIZONA), SO I DECIDED TO THROW ON A PAIR OF SHORTS, SINCE I WAS GOING TO PRETTY MUCH STAY CLOSE TO HOME TODAY. I BEGAN MY RITUAL OF CLEANING, STARTING AT THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE (ALWAYS THE MOST CLUTTERED), TO BACK. AS I WAS WALKING DOWN THE HALL TO GO TO THE GUEST BATHROOM TO CLEAN, I NOTICED MY REFLECTION IN THE FULL LENGTH MIRROR AT THE END OF THE HALL. YOU KNOW HOW YOU GO BY THAT THING A HUNDRED TIMES A DAY AND NEVER LOOK UP, BUT FOR SOME REASON, UNFORTUNATLEY, THIS DAY OF ALL DAYS I LOOKED UP TO FIND THESE THINGS HANGING ABOVE MY KNEE CAPS. THEY LOOK LIKE A PORK CHOP HANGING ON MY LEG, OR MAYBE IT'S WHERE MY KNEE CAP USED TO BE AND IT'S DROPPED FROM ALL THE WALKING I'VE BEEN DOING SINCE I GOT THE PUPPY, I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT'S UGLY....I MEAN UGLY! DOES ANYONE OUT THERE KNOW WHAT THESE ARE CALLED? WE HAVE SADDLEBAGS FOR OUR HIPS, FLAB FOR OUR ARMS, POOCH FOR OUR BELLY, SO WHAT IS THE PROPER NAME FOR THESE? OK I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO CALL THEM BUT HERE'S THE MOST IMPORTANT KICKER, WHERE THE HECK DID THEY COME FROM AND WHEN? YES AS YOU PROBABLY GUESSED I'M PRE-MENAPAUSAL (JUST HAD MY 47 BIRTHDAY, UGH!) SO DO THESE GO WITH THE DIAGNOSIS? I STILL HAVE A HALF DECENT FIGURE, SO WHAT? ARE THESE GIFTS FROM GRAVITY? WILL THEY EVER GO AWAY? I'VE NEVER SEEN A WORK-OUT TAPE FOR THESE. SOMEBODY, ANYBODY, GOT A CLUE? UNTIL I HEAR A WORD OF ENCOURAGEMENT, I GUESS I'LL BE SPORTING PANTS FROM THIS DAY FORWARD (NOTHING IN STRETCH OR ELASTIC WAIST GOD FORBID!) .

WHAT THE HELL?

WHAT THE HELL? That's right, I said it as I was looking down at this creature that could take my life! Well, let me take you back to the beginning....My desert garden (which is huge) had Pine needles, Palo Verde needles, trash blown in from the neighbors behind me, etc., piling up, so I got a hair up my you know what and decided I was feeling pretty good and could probably stand the fresh air for a while, so I started to rake this stuff into piles to burn. (Yes, I know I didn't check my burn permit, but just wait!) So, Zeus and I (my Pug puppy not a God) are out there working, and I start to rake up the stuff I raked up into piles last fall (and couldn't burn because it was too dry and they weren't letting anyone burn EVEN IF I HAD A PERMIT!). Well, low and behold, I turn over a corner of the old pile and there sets this scorpion as big as my foot! (I swear this sucker was huge!), well I drop the rake, shuddering all over I take off running in a full fledged sprint, which I wasn't aware I could do, the puppy is of course chasing me, as he thinks I'm playing (I'm sure he was thinking, "hmmm she's never done this before, but let's bounce at her heels why she's trying to run and see if we can trip her up") ok so I'm running, to where I'm not sure but I do know that right behind me there's a scorpion chasing after me the size of my head! I finally blow out my flip flop (shoe) nearly falling down, mind you the puppy is on my heels and didn't have a clue I was going to stop, so he plows into me nearly knocking me on my face but I could see he wasn't too concerned to my well being, ( "But hey, look at this shoe I found") so I'm standing there, half a mile from the house, o.k. it was all of 100 Ft. But it felt like a mile, my chest was burning (I smoke remember) my legs were shaking (I'm old remember) and my back was killing me (I just had surgery last month remember, ...) with only one shoe, (the dog stole it, remember), and wondering "What the Hell was that?" , did I really see what I thought I saw, or did I just take more meds than I should have this morning? Do I dare venture back over that way? Will Zeus follow me and get bit and his head swell up the size of a pumpkin? That's no way to spend the day even though Halloween is around the corner. Hey, we could paint him orange and make him sit on the front porch for the night and scare all the Trick or Treaters away! Absolutely Not! So, I start walking back towards the house, with Zeus on my heels, my blown out shoe in his mouth, thinking I can make it through all these sticker patches I managed to avoid on my way out (where were they before, was I air born?) We walk around the house, over the burrum, around the driveway, mind you I'm thinking this thing is going to jump out of the bushes at me the size of a sumu wrestler, and finally make it to the back door. Whew, what a work out! I let the dog in, try and tugg my shoe out of his mouth, I'm too tired, skrew it, he can have the damn thing, lock the doors and decide that maybe I'd just let the raking go for another season...If I do get brave I'll leave the house with the lighter fluid and a small torch! I guess I need to call the exterminator....So much for getting the desert garden cleaned, I think I'll just stick to planting pretty flowers in my pots surrounding the porch, I wasn't made out to fight desert vermin or what ever the hell they are! I think I'll get cleaned up and go to the mall!

"SO YOU HAD A BAD DAY!"

BAD DAY? ARE YOU KIDDING? It seems like it's been one after the other. Getting past this last surgery is taking me longer, which makes me realize how freakin' old I'm getting (Vericose Viens & All), I've got stuff in my butt that I have to charge every night (My new implant) and I'm giving out blood all over the place (Blood tests for hospital and 2 doctors). The new drugs keep me loopy and I guess I should be happy that I'm still kickin'! I am, thank God the new Cookie Lee catalog for Fall/Winter has come out (little plug) so I have all this new beautiful jewelry to share, and with the holiday's around the corner I'm starting to schedule shows, which is always a great time. I love meeting new people, and have such a great time watching women shop for my product! I do love my business, because it's not only easy, it's profitable! What better job than going to parties...whew! whew! Of course now that my business is starting to pick up, my husband is whining for me to make a trip up north. He came down for my surgery, so that means it's my turn. It wouldn't be so bad if he didn't want me to stay for weeks on end, but he doesn't have a phone, a tv, and he works 6 days a week, so what the hell am I going to do? Sure, I still have girlfriends up there to have lunch with, but they all work too! Guess I'll pick up 5 trashy novels and do a lot of reading....but there's no freakin' way I can stay longer for a week. I've got so much going right now, and he isn't on the top of the list I'm afraid! I've got my business, my clubs, my friends and the Gala that I'm working on, so I don't know if I'm going to pull it off without some sweet talkin', but once the snow flys I'm off the hook! I refuse to drive in the snow! Besides that kind of weather hurts my back. Hey, my daughter is the new coach for the cheerleaders at the High School...GO RAMS! That's another thing I'd like to do...I used to love going to the games, now I have an excuse again! Besides, another venue to meet more new people here in Maricopa..born and raised here, and don't know half the population anymore. You know it's a real drag when your kids aren't in school anymore. Especially in this town when the only activities are at the school... SO, SORRY TO BRING YOU DOWN, but I am on the mend, and promise the good times, good fun and good tales will be coming! THANKS FOR LETTING ME VENT!

OK, IT WAS EMBARRASSING!

Loosing a few pounds can be a good thing, loosing even more is a great thing right? Unless you put on a pair of pants from before you lost the weight. I've lost weight since my husband has been gone, (Doing the summer in Pinetop, of course I may never see him again!) it's only natural that when their not around there's not as much firing up the old oven, or frying something for dinner, and honestly I don't even buy groceries like I used to. Now it's dog and cat food mostly, (no I'm not eating that, I do have a dog and cat!) then a few of those 10 for 10 specials at Bashas for the freezer just in case I do get hungry, or one of the kids comes home. But for the most part I supply myself with Diet Cokes and Twinkies. I do keep a carton of Dryers ice cream in the freezer, just in case I get a chocolate attack, but otherwise not a whole lot. You find that when you live alone (by the way this is the first time I've lived alone my whole life) that vegetables go bad faster, milk doesn't last any time at all and unless you begin to start keeping your bread in the refrigerator it turns green and hairy, so I just don't buy it! ANYWAY, I'm rambling again, please bare with me, my doctor has prescribed a new medication to take in addition to all the other crap and it really gets me off track! The other day I had to get into town early to get my Lab work done for the upcoming surgery I am having. I rush from the shower to put on my face and fix the wild hair. Without even thinking I grabbed a pair of my black pants that I've been wearing all summer, put them on (over my back brace of course, so I can't feel anything) throw on a summer shirt say my goodbye's to the dog and cat, grab a cold coke and bottle of water and I'm outa there. Well, anyone of you that know me, know that if I'm supposed to be somewhere at noon I won't get there until one o'clock. I'm the world's worst about being late, so I was very proud of myself for being on time for a change. I whip through traffic like a cheetah on the move, pull into the handicap space in front of the establishment, get out of the car and enter. Well I can now pat myself on the back, I had against all odds and nature made it on time after all!! So....As I'm standing there signing in a lady comes up behind me and starts tugging on my pants! WELL, I NEVER! Then I realize that my pants were almost down to my knees and she was the only person human enough to approach me and help. Well I thanked her over and over again! How could this have happened to me? I'm usually somewhat pulled together, but obviously not today! Now I find myself standing at the check in window, my face beet red, and not wanting to turn around to see how many people were "not looking" at me. I turn, keeping my head down and not making any eye contact, grab a magazine and push my face inside! I must have read the first paragraph on Paris Hilton 15 times (and I still can't remember what it said) when I began to trace my steps from the car. How many people had I flashed in the parking lot, the elevator the halls? Oh that poor old man on the elevator, and the woman with twins, why on earth had she not said something. I know why, she was trying not to laugh I'm sure. The pants I had on, or shall we say partially on were the kind with oversize legs that make it look almost like a skirt, they are very light and made out of tee-shirt material, no buttons or zippers, just an elastic waist. SO, I was swishing down the hall and swishing my pants to my knees...Oh god, not me!! So finally the nurse calls me from inside the debths of the inner office. I have to make this exit as cool as possible because I know everyone is watching me, I could feel their eyes burning in the back of my head and now thanks to Nurse Loudmouth they all now know my name. So I carefully place my purse on my shoulder and grab a great big handful of material around my waist. I gracefully arose, and walked with my head held high into the inner office. When the door closed, I purposely hesitated expecting to hear roars of laughter like we did back in the sixth grade, but fortunately, if there was any snickering it was polite snickering, and for that I am very grateful! When something like this happens to me (and beleive me this isn't the first time I've embarrassed myself beyond belief) I have to follow the words of Grampa Shorty......WHAT THE HELL, I'LL NEVER SEE THOSE PEOPLE AGAIN!! Note to self: Organize closet, check all labels!

HOW DO PEOPLE LIVE WITHOUT A CAR????

OH MY GOD! I HAVE BEEN WITHOUT A VEHICLE NOW FOR THE PAST ELEVEN DAYS, FOURS HOURS AND THIRTEEN MINUTES! MY SON LET HIS CAR GET OVERHEATED AND I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THAT GOING TO COST OR IF IT'S EVEN WORTH PUTTING MORE MONEY INTO AN OLD CAR (98 MALIBU) OR JUST GO GET A NEW ONE....BUT THEN THAT'S GOING TO SADDLE HIM WITH A PAYMENT (WHICH OF COURSE HE SWEARS IS "NO PROBLEM"), BUT FRANKLY I'M A LITTLE APPREHENSIVE, AS IT SURELY WILL COME BACK TO BITE ME IN THE ASS! NOT ONLY WILL HE HAVE A CAR PAYMENT, BUT AN INSURANCE PAYMENT TOO, AND THEN UPON GRADUATION THE STUDENT LOANS WILL START COMING IN....YOU SEE? SO I'VE GOT TO GET IT OVER TO THE RESIDENT (INEXPENSIVE) MECHANIC AND HAVE HIM TEAR INTO THE DAMN THING TO SEE. IT'S BEEN SO HOT I HAVEN'T HAD THE ENERGY TO EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, AND YOU ALL KNOW WHAT A PROCRASTINATOR I AM (WE CALL IT PULLING A SCARLET.."OH FIDDLE DEE DEE, I'LL JUST THINK ABOUT THAT TOMORROW). OK SO BACK TO HAVING NO CAR...YOU KNOW YOU DON'T REALLY REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU USE THOSE DAMN THINGS UNTIL THERE NOT IN THE DRIVEWAY! OF COURSE WHEN IT'S IN THE DRIVEWAY, YOU HAVE NO REASON TO GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING, RIGHT? NOBODY HAS PICKED THE MAIL UP ALL WEEK, I HAVE TO MAKE ARRANGEMENTS TO GET MY CAR FOR DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS! WHAT'S UP WITH OUR KIDS? OR BETTER YET, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? WELL, WE ALL KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT ONE! MY DAUGHTER JEN CALLED LAST NIGHT LOOKING FOR HER BROTHER (WHICH IS REALLY OUT OF THE ORDINARY UNTIL I FOUND OUT WHY). SHE EVIDENTLY RAN OVER SOMETHING ON THE WAY HOME AND HER TIRE WENT FLAT FROM ONE TRIP INTO THE HOUSE UNTIL THE NEXT...SO HER AND HER ROOMMATE DECIDED THAT THEY COULD PULL THIS OFF. IT'S NOT THAT JENNY HASN'T BEEN THROUGH THE DRILL, BECAUSE HER FATHER AND I INSISTED THEY LEARN TO CHANGE A TIRE AND CHECK ALL THEIR CAR'S BODILY FLUIDS, SO I GUESS THEY DID PRETTY WELL UNTIL THEY GOT TO INSTALLING THE DOENUT ON THE HUB. GUESS THERE'S NO ARROW OR WRITING TO SAY WHICH SIDE IS OUT AND OF COURSE THEY PICKED THE WRONG SIDE. THEY WERE SO PROUD OF THEMSELVES! THEY DECIDED THAT MAYBE THEY'D BETTER GO OVER AND HAVE HER GRAN LOOK AT IT AND REALLY TIGHTEN THE BOLTS DOWN FOR THEM, SO THEY GET IN, FIRE THAT PONY UP AND TAKE OFF AND THEN.....WOBBLE, WOBBLE, WOBBLE.....YES FOLKS, ANOTHER BLONDE MOMENT! SHE BROKE OFF TWO OF THE LUG BOLTS, A COUPLE OF LUGS SHOT OUT INTO THE STREET, YARDS, AND THANKFULLY NO WINDOWS., OR STRAY CATS!...SO WHAT DOES SHE DO? NOW SHE CALLS HER BROTHER! COULDN'T GET THROUGH ON THE PHONE BECAUSE HE WAS ON THE COMPUTER (DIAL UP) SO THANKFULLY ONCE AGAIN MY PARENTS SAVED THE DAY! THEY WENT OVER AND DAD FIXED WHAT HE COULD (TURNED THE TIRE AROUND AND TRIED NOT TO LAUGH IN THEIR FACES). SHE CALLED YESTERDAY MORNING AND HAD TAKEN HER CAR INTO DISCOUNT TIRE WHERE SHE JUST BOUGHT THE TIRES A FEW MONTHS AGO, AND THEY FIXED HER CAR AND REPLACED HER TIRE FOR NOTHIN'....(THEY SURE AS HELL DON'T DO THAT FOR ME), I HAVE TO PROVE THAT THERE IS STILL ENOUGH TREAD ON THE TIRES TO BE CONSIDERED YOU HAVE TO DIG OUT THE RECEIPTS TO SHOW THEM THAT IT HAD AN ALIGNMENT AS THEY REQUESTED RIGHT AFTER THE NEW TIRES WERE INSTALLED AND THEY STILL WANT TO GIVE ME A HASSLE, GUESS I'VE LOST MY TOUCH, I THINK IT WENT THE SAME PLACE THAT MY ASS DID A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO, ANYWAY BACK TO THE TIRE CENTER. WHAT'S UP WITH THAT LITTLE PEN THING THEY USE TO TRY AND SCAM YOU WITH TREAD USAGE! I COULD GO OFF ON THAT ONE, BUT I WILL SPARE YOU A SOAPBOX MOMENT BY LANA. IT'S 9:00 AM AND SO FAR NO PHONE CALLS FROM EITHER CHILD YES MY CELL PHONE IS ON, SO PERHAPS I CAN GET MY WHOLE HOUSE VACUUMED AT ONE TIME THIS WEEK. HOW EXCITING IS MY LIFE?.......I HATE NOT HAVING A CAR!

WHO GETS UP AT 3:00 AM BUT ME?

Well, once again (thanks to my puppy Zues, aren't you sick of hearing about him) I am up at 3:00 AM, answered all my e-mails, visited all my links, read the latest Maricopa news (thanks 85239.com!) and try as I may I can't make myself sleepy (although now both the cat and dog are sleeping soundly) so I decided to post another day in the life of Lana. I'm feeling terrible about missing the meeting I promised I would attend with Celeste and Kristen. My early morning walk in the dark that day ended up a disaster and I found myself coach-bound for the day and had forgotten I had scheduled my computer to run updates that morning, and being that I live out here in the boonies that requires my phone. So they couldn't get a hold of me on my phone and I missed getting to go and check out the facility, and much worst make myself look unaccountable to the girls. You see while walking the dog about 3 in the morning, he has one of the leashes that extends out for 50 ft. or so, and somehow we got tangled and I went down! Well, I think it scared me more than anything, but my ankle was swollen and it had some pain, so I felt it was better to just lay on the sofa all day, I neglected to check my "Pink Bible", (my Cookie Lee Day Planner) because nothing much has been going on, so my weeks have been empty-er than they should be. Anyway, the whole episode turned out to be a mess, and I won't feel better about it until I see the girls on Thursday. Hopefully, their not too disappointed in me and will let me play with them again! We're planning a Fashion Show for the "Maricopa Women in Business" organization I belong to, and it's really going to be something that everyone is going to want to have a ticket to year after year. We're very excited about it, so I'll share more as we get closer to the big day. Mark your Calendar for August 5th. YOUR GONNA LOVE IT!! (Cookie Lee (me) is providing the jewelry!). I FOUND OUT I'M GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE ANOTHER SURGERY! WAAAAH! But, I can only hope it will be my last! I was beginning to think they should have just inserted a zipper from my bra area on my back all the way down to my ass! They (my doctor and the surgeon) have assured me that this new unit that has just been approved through FDA will last me eight years. So come August (after the fashion show) CUT, CUT, CUT!! This unit is rechargeable! That doesn't mean I back into the garage each night to be plugged in either! It recharges by wearing a belt each night, thus the life of eight years. OK, guess that's all for today, believe it or not I am getting sleepy.......Good Night, or should I say Good Morning....

Sleepin' Single in a Double Bed.....

Well, as most of you know my husband has moved to the Great Dry North for working purposes and just because that's where he wants to retire and die! Me on the other hand am living alone for the first time in my life....AND I LOVE IT!! I never saw it coming, but you know you can clean the house and it stays clean for weeks (with a little spot dusting here and there), you never have to go back and straighten and dry the bathroom, the mess just isn't there anymore (shower door spots, whiskers in the sink, toothpaste open and all over itself, etc.), and by some miracle you begin to loose weight because your not cooking those dinners that were eaten to late in the evening by your spouse who has to work the next day. And because you've always cooked a meal for 4 or 400, you are compelled to eat along with him so he doesn't have to eat along, that was my excuse anyway....All in all, I think this set-up is exactly what will keep our 28 year marriage alive for another 50 years. Did I mention that the bickering from time to time is no longer there? When I talk to him on the phone everything I say is interesting or funny, we don't fight about money (he just deposits his check into my checking account, no questions asked) and when I do get up there to visit for a couple of weeks at a time, he pampers me like we were Newlyweds! I never cook a meal, he stops at the grocery store before he comes home, and every Friday or Saturday night I'm taken out to dinner either with friends, or to some place dark and romantic , (we're all aware of his reasoning why). I don't want to change a thing! I love being able to come and go as I please (no looking at the clock to see what time I need to be home to cook dinner, what do we need from the grocery store, is there enough beer in the fridge?), with my schedule revamped to "me time" I attempt to attend all the meetings to the various clubs I belong to (and have been known to stay after to visit with everyone, reason being I'm usually late and don't get my gossiping done prior to the meetings), and the only ones I answer to are the new dog and old cat, AND THEY DON'T TALK BACK OR COMPLAIN THEIR JUST DAMN GLAD TO SEE ME! So tell me ladies would you be in such a big hurry to plan to go North to stay for a month or two? Not Me!! I just don't have the heart to tell him that, but fortunately, my doctors have thrown a few important dates out for office calls, surgery and follow up visits, that I can postpone my trek to the North by a month or so (maybe longer depending on recovery after my surgery). So poor dear will have to continue to take care of himself until I'm released to make a four hour drive to see him. Not to mention when I go I have a list a mile long of things he wants me to bring, things required by me, the dog, the cat and my gradually, my car starts to resemble the car on "The Grapes of Wrath"! The reason I'm sharing these words and experiences with you ladies, is to let you know that the distance does make the heart grow fonder (as long as they don't have a wondering eye), and it's a hoot to be living my life calling all the shots (for know anyway. I've been able to sit down and read books that I bought five years ago that were still sitting next to the bed un-read, I occasionally go out on the weekends with my girlfriends (whereas I use to stay at home to watch "Cops"). And the real bonus is no dishes, no laundry (except my own, 1 or 2 loads at most). No clutter!! When I start getting good and lonely I plan a trip to stay for a couple of weeks (by the end of 2 weeks the bickering may begin, so it's time to blow out of there!). I'm not by any means doing anything wrong, I'm just DOING! With that said.....if one day your husband pops in and declares he's headed for the cool country, help him pack his bags, kiss him lovingly goodbye, and be sure he has a book of deposit slips when he leaves!! CALL ME, WE'LL DO LUNCH!! (I have the time now!)